And The Gavel Came Down On His Jeans



His name was “Billy”. I met him at the restaurant where I was working in high school, but he was dating someone else at the time. I thought he was cute, and to this day I’m still puzzling that over.  I was only 17, and he looked all of 35, was balding, and had a huge big deal hairy mustache. Hawt.

Anyhow, when his girlfriend broke up with him (a sign I ignored, but shouldn’t have), I shook my girl thing did a little flirting, and the deal was sealed. He asked me out on a date.

He was nice, and he really liked me. I mean he really liked me.

I hated him.

Know why?

His jeans.

He wore these powder blue fake denim flare jeans. Did you hear me? I said “flares.” A mortal sin in the 80’s and unforgivable.

(They were kinda like this, but worse. So much worse.)

bad jeans

I tried so hard not to notice those jeans, but every time he’d come over, he’d get out of the car and those jeans hypnotized me with their uncoolness. No matter what I did or what brain games I tried to play on myself, I could not handle the jeans.

So I dumped him. Over the jeans.

I doubt I would be so shallow if I had it to do all over again.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Those jeans were abominable. I’d kick him to the curb in a sweet half second. Loser.


Moral of the story: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but do judge a man by his jeans.


  1. says


    … or judge him by the way he eats a Big Mac. True story. I broke up with a boyfriend of 8 months my first year of college after we went to McDonalds and i watched him eat a big mac… i still remember him chewing.. like a cow chewing cud.

    ew.. it still gives me the jeebies.

  2. secret agent woman says

    What do you mean by fake denim? And isn’t it funny how styles change – most of my jeans are boot cut and I love them, Although, now that I think about it, not on men – men should wear straight-legged jeans. You were right to dump him.

  3. says

    You know, sometimes there are just things that stand out to you as unforgivable. Joe had saddle shoes when I first met him. Seriously. I would not let him wear them around me! First chance I got, I threw them out!!

  4. says

    I am gut bursting laughing because a guy friend of mine recently went out with me and a bunch of friends wearing an Acid Washed Jean Jacket. Hello! It’s 2011. Friendship. Over.

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